Will they spend the holidays apart, or will they set aside their pride in time to start the New Year right?
I am starting to run low on holiday-themed YA titles (whither Elaine Harper?) so I’ve been reaching for a lot of short-lived 80s and 90s series in recent years. This is not one I read as an actual YA, and there is not a lot of information out there about this series. It is another created by Linda A. Cooney (last seen here with Freshman Christmas, and the creator of several barely-remembered series of the era); however, the credited author is the prolific Barbara Steiner, who wrote for Sweet Dreams, Windswept and Point Thrillers.
Background: You know how I’m always complaining about picking up a volume in the middle of the series and the author doesn’t even do us the favor of a Babysitters Club-style recap of who all of these characters are and what their deal is? This book does NOT have that problem! In fact, this book is about 95% recap! In fact, this could be a whole new template for YA series, where an entire series just turns into a mobius strip of constant recapping.
The plot and characters are so derivative of other 80s series and tropes that it actually accomplishes some kind of… genre purity? It is well-written enough that I became deeply invested in the low-stakes, high-drama dilemmas of the 50 or so characters involved in the plot.
The Plot: While the back cover copy focuses heavily on the love triangle between JT (that’s Janet Terry) Gartner, sad-sack Will Patton and resident bad boy Denis (one N) Daniels, that barely scratches the surface of everything that’s happening at Sunset High right before Christmas break.
Are you ready for a mash-up of Sweet Valley High (but with more boob-touching), Less Than Zero (but with less sweaty coked-up Robert Downey Jr) and Beverly Hills, 90210 (which was still four years in the future, but some of the plots points are so close I wonder if a young Darren Star had this on his nightstand)?
We open with recent Minnesota-transplant Kristen and her BFF, teen soap star Monica, eagerly awaiting the return of Kristen’s boyfriend Grady back to Beverly Hills after his first semester at Yale. Kristen’s mother is dating a famous fashion designer, and the girls are invited to pick out some deep-discount couture from his warehouse. On the way over Monica reassures Kristen that she is so over her breakup with Josh and doesn’t even care that he was at the school dance last week with Samantha Sockwell, because:
“Every time I turned around, he was checking to make sure someone hadn’t kidnapped me.”
Josh wasn’t just being overprotective, as Kristen reflects:
Kristen knew how tough she was on the inside. Even when that crazy man had kidnapped the two of them last summer, pretending to be Monica’s long-lost father after seeing her in a television soap opera, Monica had kept her cool.
Strangely, after all of that set up, Monica barely figures into the rest of the book.
Smash-cut to chapter two and One-N Denis, just back from surfing-based rehab in Hawaii, the neglected son of a Hollywood power couple, including a mother who plays the perfect mom on TV. So, your basic Dylan-Steve:
Denis’s parents want him to come with him to some big Hollywood party so they can keep an eye on him, but he is trying to put into practice some Zen principals his drug counselor taught him for when his parents get annoying. He eventually gets them to call off the dogs when he says that he’s going to go out with JT, who they think is a sensible young person and good influence. But there is DRAMA:
After JT gave a newspaper interview that caused a big scandal, Denis wrecked his Porsche in a terrible accident, and then the Daniels had to pay attention and do something.
JT is also an exceedingly good sport for even still speaking to Denis, because he is the cause of her breakup with Will Patton:
The first thing he heard the minute he got back was one of his friends telling him that JT and Denis had been kissing on the beach at the grunion run.
Also, JT’s mom is fake-Mrs. Fields, and they have to bake so many cookies to meet the demand at the designer cookie boutique!
Are you ready to meet some more Sunset High students? Because we’re only on page 20!
Smash-cut to Will Patton moping around Oskie’s, the local coffee bar (very ahead of the trend for 1986!); he tries to make a quick getaway when Scott and Mollie, two opposites-attract types who met through computer dating, show up. They are extremely handsy and are also soon joined by feminist jerk Elena and her health-nut boyfriend, David. Things go from bad to worse when Denis shows up with JT, and Denis starts talking with some blue-haired punk rockers.
Elena starts taunting Denis because he’s probably ON DRUGS:
Elena could be a bully when she chose to. That she hated men she thought were weak or the least bit chauvinistic. And that she was protective of JT.
Smash-cut to the school’s resident Mean Girl, Nadia, who is masochistically obsessed with Mad Max, the drummer for the school’s hottest band, Junkfood. An earlier plot is extensively recapped, and we learn that Nadia had come to Max’s rescue by stealing a test from Glennie, the school’s resident Poor Little Rich Girl. Nadia successfully blackmailed Glennie into keeping quiet about it, even after she was almost expelled, by covering up the fact that Glennie almost ruined the school’s Thanksgiving Dance.
Are you following all that?
Meanwhile David, who told Will about JT kissing Denis at the grunion run, is starting to feel remorseful about being responsible for their breakup and tries to engineer a reconciliation. But Will is having none of that, because he can see now that girls only like jerks. So, he’s going to be a jerk and win JT back.
But first we have to circle back to the Kristen-Grady plot. Hasn’t Grady seemed distant during those last few phone calls from Yale? Could it be that he’s just not interested in dating a high school girl anymore? He does show up early, surprising her at school and asks her on a date… but it’s a double date with two of his new college friends, who also back in California for the break! Kristen feels younger than ever when they show up to pick up Caroline and Charlie:
It was obvious to Kristen that just a short time before they arrived, Caroline and Charlie had been in bed together, and not just napping.
Caroline hadn’t bothered belting the kimono and underneath she wore nothing but bikini panties. She made no attempt to close up the garment or cover herself.
Hide your shame, you Vassar chippie!
Because Grady has greatly expanded his mind during the last 3 months as a college man, they go on a date to a JAZZ CLUB to listen to JAZZ, specifically the group Jazz Migration, which is a very JAZZy name for a JAZZ ensemble. Charlie is definitely preparing a serious JAZZ face, as he inquires of Grady:
“How do you think this group compares with Lavender Silk when they were at the Blue Note in New Haven?”
Obviously, “Lavender Silk” is a supergroup with Chuck Mangione and Herb Alpert that scores porno soundtracks.
Kristen is convinced that she will lose Grady to these hepcats unless she resorts to drastic measures… such as GOING ALL THE WAY.
I could really go on all day reveling in these increasingly delirious plot twists, ever-expanding cast of characters and delusional band names. I loved every minute of this. Especially when we end a chapter on this note:
She had it. A brilliant idea. There was no way it could go wrong. There was no way it could fail. Nadia would be completely destroyed. Glennie could hardly wait.
I can also hardly wait to hear your nefarious plan, Glennie.
There is some mild do-gooding at a community center in East L.A. on Christmas Eve. Kristen’s attempt to seduce Grady fails and they break up. Elena continues to be very mean to Denis in the name of FEMINISM. Glennie goes to see Max’s band at a PUNK CLUB and this exchange happens:
“Something to drink?”
“A Perrier,” Glennie ordered.
“A what? Is that a beer?”
“A Perrier. It’s water. Don’t they teach you anything before you start to work here?”
Everything comes to a head at Scott’s big New Year’s Eve party, including Will and JT reuniting, Denis comforting a forlorn Kristen, and Glennie’s plan to get back at Nadia is revealed. She arranges to have Nadia walk in on her making out with Max, which causes Nadia to spontaneously confess to her role in the test-stealing scandal. Also, Scott pops out of nowhere and announces
“Thank you, ladies. You’ve given me the lead story for the first Troubadour of the new year. The best scoop of my career. We may even have to get out an Extra.”
Then everyone goes to the Rose Bowl Parade and there is a float with Mary Lou Retton on it!
Also, Scott and Mollie wear matching caps that say I LOVE FOOTBALL, and even though they were barely in this book I am sick of those two already. Get a room!
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! We shall return in late January with new content!
Lost Classics of Teen Lit: 1939-1989 